The "I" Phone

Last week I joined the 3 million other Americans who enjoy the mysterious wonders of the Apple iphone. I have said for years that technology is merely the progression of laziness, and after spending one week with Mr. Jobs’ new doohickey I can say with confidence that the iphone is a true contender for skippering this slothy movement.

“What’s that? You’re in the market for a purple sombrero? Let me find you one real quick.”

“Filipino cricket highlights? Let me see if I have an app for that. Eh! Whadda know?”

“What do you mean you can’t find a good strip joint that serves all-you-can-eat crab legs? Hold on a sec.”

I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy this kind of convenience and multiplicity, who wouldn’t? But I have put off buying an iphone for a few years now because it seems to me that of all the magical feats this device can accomplish, its two greatest abilities are dumbing us down and making friends disappear. It’s as if the iphone has allowed common sense and conversation to take a back seat to global positioning and text messaging.

Maybe I am being a little sensitive here, but when I go out for a drink with someone and they sit there slamming away on their “smart phone” instead of conversing, I feel like a real dick. I understand that there’s always going to be someone or something more interesting on the Internet than my company and that it’s all just a finger's flick away, but put that shit away. Why is it that we as a society have allotted unspoken rules of etiquette when talking on cell phones, but not for texting or surfing the web? One of the biggest problems is that surfing the web and texting among friends is contagious. If you stop paying attention to me and start finger jogging around the information super highway, I too will have to pick up my phone and start poking around. When this occurs I wonder why I'm even out? The two of us could have just stayed home, lounged around in our under ware eating cereal, and just send each other witty You Tube clips.

When it comes to navigation, I understand that some people are more challenged than others. But phones that tell you where to go and don’t have that synthesized voice shouting instructions are just dangerous. This past weekend I found myself driving at 50 mph looking down at the screen in order to find a Mexican restaurant instead of just looking for the sign that says “Mexican restaurant.” As I drove haphazardly down the road I pictured the glinty smirk on the face of the highway patrolman who had the duty of removing my severed arm from the side of the road. And feared that the officer, over a large pile of nachos, would make some tasteless joke involving the fact that, cradled in my lifeless palm, was an illuminated iphone telling him El Guapos was right around the corner. I am not sure, but is getting lost that terrifying? Are U-turns the end of the world? Can’t we all just leave a little earlier incase we loose our way? Sure you could ask one of the passengers in the car to pull out a map, but chances are they’re probably neck deep in a scorching game of isolitaire.

The irony here folks, is that our effort to become more connected has resulted in just the opposite. “B @ the bar @ 9” “C U there.” Yeah, I will just GPS the directions, and if I don’t die on the way there, “C U @ 9,” drunkenly sex messaging some ex-girlfriend in New York for an hour. What’s happened to using your noodle and figuring out how to get somewhere, or just turning off your phone when hanging out with friends?

I myself will make an effort to figure out where places are located before I hop in the driver’s seat, as well as try and keep my shiny new gizmo in pocket when among the dull.

Does anyone know if there’s an app that can help me with that?

Dope Benedict XVI

Just when you think the Catholic Church can’t get any further behind the curve they once again trip over their flowing robes and fall right on their face. Today the Pope, on his first trip to Africa, told his followers that condoms were not the solution to AIDS, but rather part of the problem. That’s just brilliant. Is there anything more ludicrous than listening to a bunch of men, who may or may not have ever had sexual intercourse, give the world a sex ed lesson? Maybe I after finish this post I’ll just run down to the Kennedy Space Center and teach those boys a thing or two about ballistic rocket flight?

There are over twenty-two million people, the population of the state of Texas, living with the HIV virus in Sub-Saharan Africa, including eleven million orphans. You would truly have to believe that you’re anointed by God, which they do, in order to be this obtuse. Someone needs to explain to me how the Pope can show up, ironically dress up like gigantic rubber, and tell a dying continent lies about how to help itself because sex out of wedlock is a sin? Excuse me sir. What’s the ninth commandment again?

The World Health Organization has told the Vatican that by telling its followers that condoms don’t work will only cause more harm. Does the Vatican listen? Right. Why would they? They answer to a higher power, i.e. the voices that are trapped inside their thick skulls. The WHO has said that condoms, when used correctly, help reduce risk of HIV by 90%. Sure the Vatican can counter by saying abstinence can produce 100% effectiveness. Yeah, because people are going to suddenly stop having sex. And I think we’ve all seen how well abstinence has worked out for this pious bunch. The only thing the Catholic Church has ever done near 90% effectiveness is proselytize low hanging fruit and shuffle around its pedophiles.

Religion, at least in this case, has once again proven to be more harmful than helpful. We will have to unfortunately continue to wait in vain for something good to actually come from the supposed “good book.”

Paradoxically, Africa is the fastest growing region in the world for Roman Catholics. I guess when you can no longer sell ice to the Eskimos there's always Africans?

Patriotic Crock.

This past week my friend Melissa told me her blog was not as “intellectual” as mine, which, needless to say, made me chuckle. To prove her wrong I had intended to write about something mindless like sports or reality television this week, but March Madness does not start for a few more days and The Bachelor made it in last week’s entry. So this morning, as usual, I browsed the news columns on Matt Drudge’s right leaning site, The Drudge Report. There were of course plenty of highly intellectual stories to comment on, and just when I was about to click on Mr. Drudge's breaking story about a German company producing Obama Chicken Fingers with a Curry Dipping sauce I was distracted by a flashing web-banner. There were eagles whooshing past, some scripty type, and a wavy American flag. It was an NRA advertisement that read:

Special Offer for Drudge Report Readers:

What's happening RIGHT NOW in Washington, D.C. could spell disaster for YOUR guns and YOUR Second Amendment rights!

Hundreds of gun-ban politicians, political appointees and bureaucrats are now writing regulations, casting votes and passing laws that could all but eliminate your right to own a gun. Their agenda starts with licensing, registering, fingerprinting, inspecting and cataloging every firearm, firearm owner and firearm transfer in the United States...

“Their agenda?” You mean the United States Government? I think it’s high time for the NRA to check itself. I understand that the NRA has never had any qualms about being completely audacious when it comes to insulting families that have recently endured the shooting of a loved one, or fighting to keep the ridiculous firearms like the AR-15, or the M-16 on the streets, but…

“Their agenda starts with licensing, registering, fingerprinting, inspecting and cataloging every firearm, firearm owner and firearm transfer in the United States...”

I find it unbelievably interesting that this is the kind of ruse that the NRA has turned into an ad campaign. If the NRA was really concerned about an infringement of their rights, should they have not been the first ones to storm the capital with their assault rifles the day Georgie and his band of power-hungry assholes signed into law the catchy and contrived Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act, or P.A.T.R.I.O.T Act of 2001? The irony of this act’s acronym is still overwhelming.

Defending the second amendment is like being a Yankee fan, or rooting for Manchester United. It’s easy. You can start every argument with the words, “The founding fathers believed….” Blah. Blah. Blah. James Madison and his homeboy T.J. may have, at least in spirit, been with the NRA on the second amendment, but the fourth has gone down right down the crapper. The Patriot Act maybe old news, but every time I see the NRA tell me they are the only ones defending the Bill of Rights, I cringe.

Last week two young men, in separate countries, took the lives of over twenty people with firearms. Now I have no idea how the founding fathers would have reacted to this, but I can assure you that if semi-automatic hand guns and rifles had existed in their day they would have made laws that helped protect the innocent instead of letting another senseless massacre to occur. Maybe I am not getting out enough, but are there roving bands of marauders in the streets that require me to own an assault rifle? Are people still going out and hunting down their dinner every night? Is there a local militia that needs a hand? I just don’t understand.

Mr. Wayne LaPierre, the president of the NRA, continues to believe “that the guys with the guns make the rules.” And that “freedom always rides with a firearm by it side.” What a bunch of bullshit. Who is this guy talking to? Our elected government officials make the rules, and my freedom is protected by laws, the police, and the military. Not by people like Michael McLendon of Alabama or Tim Kretschmer of Stuttgart, running around shooting everything that moves.

I am sure I have many friends that are members of the NRA, but I myself would have trouble sleeping at night knowing I am a member of such unrelenting, unapologetic, and sadistic organization. By adorning itself with the American flag, swooping eagles, and the Bill of Rights, the NRA is nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Mr. LaPierre is no patriot. He is not standing on his bully pulpit to keep secure the rights of the American citizen. He is the president of a large and inane organization that pays him an exorbitant and undisclosed salary.

Lets just hope it’s not enough for him to buy his soul back.

The Big Fix.

These are undoubtedly terrible times; the markets are down, unemployment is on the rise, the U.S. is fighting two simultaneous crusades, global warming is killing off the adorable yet vicious polar bear, and of course the twelfth season of The Bachelor is almost upon us. So it’s understandable why people are so grumpy.

A short time ago I got myself involved in a very long blog-battle with some folks over a bad joke a friend of mine posted. Everyday it seems I come across a posting by a republican or social conservative. They all consists of some kind of joke or cute anecdote criticizing our brand new administration. I will not highlight any specific examples, but the general idea of these posts is always familiar. Obama and his band of nonsensical democrats are taking my hard earned money and giving it to the poor and lazy. This is an old story, and one that appears never to grow tiresome, at least for these people that post them. I try my best not to look at them, but always find myself reading them to completion. I am sure there are these same undignified posts by liberals and independents alike; however, it is my contention that if we all spent just a little more of our time posting good ideas instead of detrimental brouhaha we would all be in a better place. I will start.

Unemployment: How about we get some legislation passed that gives corporations tax breaks for honestly proving they have created new jobs. It sounds simple enough, right? Would this not make the supply-side loyalists contented, as well as the demand-sided Keynesians? I really don’t know, but it makes sense to me.

War: Kick out every defense/offense contractor lobbyist from Washington DC. It seems to me companies like Lockeed Martin, Boeing, and Northrop Gruman are all part of a war machine. And this machine is built the exact same way any other corporation is: to keep its share holders happy. But these companies don’t make tires, toys, or wind turbines. They make weapons, and the only way to keep sales up is to keep going to war. Correct? The Iraq war will end up costing taxpayers around three trillion bucks. Personally I would rather pay 787,000,000,000 on barcaloungers and foot massages for the poor and lazy then go start another senseless and expensive war. Maybe I am just being too liberal?

Global Warming: I say, whenever possible, expand our roads by six feet and put in a bike lane. It will cut down pollution, help with the absurd obesity problem we face in the U.S. and make everyone happier, including the goddamn polar bears.

Entertainment: I understand that these are tough times for Americans, and that the evening news and The Bachelor finale brings more distress than joy. But why not just parlay a few of the good pieces of news we receive? I purpose this: we create a new reality-show called Gliding Light. Each episode consists of Captain “Sully” Sullenburger safely crash landing one random jetliner a week. I smell a hit.

These are just a few of my ideas and I look forward to reading yours. I hope this post will bring to an end to all the regressive, bipartisan email forwards that keep us in the past and will jumpstart some real thinking out there. Now get to work people.