The "I" Phone

Last week I joined the 3 million other Americans who enjoy the mysterious wonders of the Apple iphone. I have said for years that technology is merely the progression of laziness, and after spending one week with Mr. Jobs’ new doohickey I can say with confidence that the iphone is a true contender for skippering this slothy movement.

“What’s that? You’re in the market for a purple sombrero? Let me find you one real quick.”

“Filipino cricket highlights? Let me see if I have an app for that. Eh! Whadda know?”

“What do you mean you can’t find a good strip joint that serves all-you-can-eat crab legs? Hold on a sec.”

I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy this kind of convenience and multiplicity, who wouldn’t? But I have put off buying an iphone for a few years now because it seems to me that of all the magical feats this device can accomplish, its two greatest abilities are dumbing us down and making friends disappear. It’s as if the iphone has allowed common sense and conversation to take a back seat to global positioning and text messaging.

Maybe I am being a little sensitive here, but when I go out for a drink with someone and they sit there slamming away on their “smart phone” instead of conversing, I feel like a real dick. I understand that there’s always going to be someone or something more interesting on the Internet than my company and that it’s all just a finger's flick away, but put that shit away. Why is it that we as a society have allotted unspoken rules of etiquette when talking on cell phones, but not for texting or surfing the web? One of the biggest problems is that surfing the web and texting among friends is contagious. If you stop paying attention to me and start finger jogging around the information super highway, I too will have to pick up my phone and start poking around. When this occurs I wonder why I'm even out? The two of us could have just stayed home, lounged around in our under ware eating cereal, and just send each other witty You Tube clips.

When it comes to navigation, I understand that some people are more challenged than others. But phones that tell you where to go and don’t have that synthesized voice shouting instructions are just dangerous. This past weekend I found myself driving at 50 mph looking down at the screen in order to find a Mexican restaurant instead of just looking for the sign that says “Mexican restaurant.” As I drove haphazardly down the road I pictured the glinty smirk on the face of the highway patrolman who had the duty of removing my severed arm from the side of the road. And feared that the officer, over a large pile of nachos, would make some tasteless joke involving the fact that, cradled in my lifeless palm, was an illuminated iphone telling him El Guapos was right around the corner. I am not sure, but is getting lost that terrifying? Are U-turns the end of the world? Can’t we all just leave a little earlier incase we loose our way? Sure you could ask one of the passengers in the car to pull out a map, but chances are they’re probably neck deep in a scorching game of isolitaire.

The irony here folks, is that our effort to become more connected has resulted in just the opposite. “B @ the bar @ 9” “C U there.” Yeah, I will just GPS the directions, and if I don’t die on the way there, “C U @ 9,” drunkenly sex messaging some ex-girlfriend in New York for an hour. What’s happened to using your noodle and figuring out how to get somewhere, or just turning off your phone when hanging out with friends?

I myself will make an effort to figure out where places are located before I hop in the driver’s seat, as well as try and keep my shiny new gizmo in pocket when among the dull.

Does anyone know if there’s an app that can help me with that?